Grumblings Of An Almost 48 Year Old (Pointless Emojis)

First thing's first, let's get this out the way, I am not a grumpy old man.  Yes, I will be 48 in January and yes, there are a few things that annoy me but I believe I'm fully justified in having a bit of a moan about them. Once you've read this I'm hoping you'll agree. If not then there is no hope for the world.


Ok, most people text which is fine. It's quick and easy, I understand that. There are so many things about it that wind me up but I'll focus on two for now. The first is people that text me and when I instantly call back don't answer. I know you're there, you just texted me, pick up the phone. I'll then get another text a minute later saying, "Sorry, was just on the other line." I'll call back instantly again and again no pick up. The next excuse will invariably include llamas and a meteor blast.

People are losing the art of conversation and it's scary people. For years my wife will do anything to avoid speaking to anyone on the phone, text or nothing with her. She's used the llama and meteor excuse on me plenty of times.

Text speak is the other big bug bear. It's bad enough using it on texts but it's crept into emails and websites now, WTAB! (What The Actual Bananas!). See, it looks ridiculous. I worked with someone pre- Banana Head who included text speak in all her correspondence to clients including major corporates. FTLOJ (you can guess that one).

They'd be classics like "It was gr8 to meet you and CU soon. It's unprofessional, lazy, makes you look like an uneducated baboon and I never want to see it again do you hear me. Ok, breathe now. I managed to save my almost 14 year old  from turning to the dark side so all her texts (to me at least) are written properly and able to be clearly understood.

The End Of Civilisation As We Know It.


Dear God why?? Bit strong? Ok, I'll re-phrase that. What is the point of emojis? That should be a rhetorical question as surely most sane people would agree with me. They have slowly integrated themselves into mainstream society and are now close to becoming the main form of communication between human beings.

I'm just waiting for season 4 of Black Mirror and an emoji centric episode where everyone's lost the ability to speak. A bit like Planet of the Apes but with smiley faces instead of dodgy inter species kisses. Doctor Who's already hinted at it with "Smile" and that glimpse into the future was scary enough. 

They started off harmlessly enough with a choice of three; happy, sad and the wink. Ah yes the wink that you add to the end of a passive aggressive text, email etc and it makes it all ok. Listen womble heads everywhere, a clumsily added wink at the end of your rant does not make everything ok. Then, like a very sneaky virus it began to multiply and then exploded everywhere, eventually resulting in the abomination that was the Emoji Movie. 

Now there are emojis everywhere for everything and people are so obsessed their text messages have more emojis than words. Case in point, I received a text yesterday from someone that included emojis of a mountain, bin, person falling, banana and laughing face. It must have taken so long to find them all she could have written a letter, done Davina's Fit In 15 DVD and made lamb casserole with turned veg in less time.

I asked who it was as they weren't a contact and got another emoji back of a girl accompanied by, "Guess." I did my best to narrow it down from the possible 25 million possibilities but funnily enough I got it wrong. After I eventually lost the will to live she told me. 

I'm genuinely concerned we're regressing so much emojis will soon be the only form of communication between us. Hieroglyphics, pah, child's play compared to emojis. I pondered why cinemas had evening showings of the Emoji movie and I've worked it out. The adults were all making notes about new and totally not exciting emojis to add to their already decreasing vocabulary.

This is a plea to the world; speak to each other, it's fun most of the time. Emojis will destroy your brain. The final straw that made me realise the pointlessness of it all was this news today. The burger emoji has been corrected by Google. No more words required.

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